Holy Camel !
A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel were crossing the desert. The camel falls dead.
Before I die the father says, "I would like to see a woman naked."
So the nun takes off all her clothes.
She then says, "before I die I would like to see a man naked."
So the father takes off his clothes.
She looks at his penis and says, "My God!! What is that for?"
He says "You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life."
The nun replies, "Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let`s get the hell out of here!"
Sender:- Salim
Sex Lubricant!
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly?" she asks him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"
Sender:- Ashok Sinha
Oral sex
A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day. People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over. He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.
The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."
The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery".
He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.
Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."
The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy, "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"
Sender:- Ashok Sinha
Good and Bad
There once was a set of identical twin brothers. One lived a godly life. He was a good husband and father, reputable businessman, and did lots of community service.
The other one was a hell-raiser. He drank, cheated on his wife, stole and lied. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in heaven and could look down on the bad twin in hell.
Hell was not as the good twin imagined. His brother was drinking and partying, kissing beautiful women and dancing his butt off.
The good twin saw St. Peter and said to him, "Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer barrel and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing."
St. Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said, "My son, all is not as it seems. The barrel has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.
Sender:- Sandeep
Milk....
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a whitemustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."
Sender:- Sandeep
Arz kiya hai:
I am a dog and u r a flower,
gaur farmaiega I am a dog and u r a flower,
so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!
Sender:- Amit chaudhary
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Sender:- Goethe
Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?
Sender:- Rachna
Ad Space!
Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "Illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
Sender:-
A collection of insults!
Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye. People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him. I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo. When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool. I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible. I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
Sender:-
A collection of insults!
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
Sender:-
Xmas Shopping
Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
Sender:-
Witness Stand
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes Sir", answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly."He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."
Sender:-
Religious Johhny
Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Andy came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.
When Uncle Andy came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Little Johnny looked up and said, "What are you doing?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Andy.
"Mom is going to be mad", said Little Johnny.
"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Andy.
"Because the bed pan's on this side!"
Sender:-
As Joe was trying to pack for vacation, his 3-year-old daughter was having a great time playing on the bed.At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before he rushed out of the room again.When Joe returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears streaming down her face...Joe said, "What's wrong honey?"Dejected, sad and broken, she looked up at him and said, "Daddy, where's my booger?
Sender:-
A collection of insults!
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass. I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet. There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them. All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could. I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
Sender:-
Troubling end!
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Sender:-
A collection of insults!
For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since. You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening. I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
Sender:-
Buying E-beg.com
A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard.
Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign any mind. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.
Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and to the word "Beg," he adds ".com."
From around the corner, two venture capitalists appear, tripping over themselves to be the first to hand him a quarter of a million dollars.
Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better. Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg."
Immediately, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy him out.
Sender:-
Technically correct!!!
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.
The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"
